I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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