How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
