I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
