We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
His nipple licking is glorious
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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