I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
