do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
