is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
