so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
