Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
