so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
