Buhtt sex?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
