I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
