I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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