i just wanna soil my oats bro
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
