I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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