first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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