She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
