Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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