Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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