you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
