On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Someone came in the potted fern
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
