I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
soo... how was my night?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
