Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize