I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Randomize
