I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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