she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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