I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
