Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Mom said you looked used
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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