Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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