girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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