So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
