Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
