Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
