Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
