My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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