stop calling my apartment porn island.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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