me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
