why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
