I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
