Got a toothbrush?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
