The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Randomize