Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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