Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
