Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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