Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
