Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
