remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
