Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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