I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
