Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
