I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
