She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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