I CAN MOONWALK!
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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