The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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