dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
