trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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