I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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