I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
